4 Ways to Co-Create Safety Around "No" AND Enthusiasm Around "Yes!" In Your Relationships
Yes, both can co-exist. Let's alchemize relationships so boundaries are honored, respected, and celebrated ❤️
Question for you: How do you create and maintain healthy boundaries around your time, space, energy, values, and body in your long-term relationships? Believe it or not, no one is entitled to sex from another human being: not your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, playmate, or some other lover. Consent will always be essential and mandatory in any sexual interaction or relationship. Creating safety for our partners to say “no” creates more space for an enthusiastic “yes.” “Yes” should be about connection, not protection (-idea inspired by a quote by Whitni Miller @bdemoves).
Do you assume or feel entitled to sex in your relationship? If so, I encourage you to examine the roots of these core beliefs. Possession, territory, and a sense of ownership over other people are values and ideas historically and socially shackled to deep tentacles of colonialism, toxic ideals of monogamy, and patriarchal structures, not to mention decades old, deeply entrenched stereotypes and rigid definitions of gender roles, expectations, and expression.
Another piece to this? Rejection sensitivity. Recurrent rejection can feel traumatic and destabilizing. Hearing persistent “no” from our partner can bring up a lot of these traumatic feelings from our past or stir up new feelings in the present. Some people internalize this rejection as a personal affront and qualitative measure of their self-worth. It’s also common for people to think this means their partner isn’t attracted to them anymore. “Pouting” and guilt tripping our partners about not having sex with us can lead to resentment, disconnection, and a whole lot of unfulfilling sex. A reluctant no or having sex “for someone else” can make sex and intimacy feel like a duty, chore, or obligation, and can even feel traumatic in the body. Let me remind you sex should always be consensual, mutually pleasurable, and yes- I give you permission to have fun, play, AND get weird! Think about the sex YOU want to be having and stop having the sex you don’t want. You deserve gourmet, baby!
Let’s pull in the thread of initiation. Perhaps the partner who feels rejected just stops initiating entirely because they feel dejected, or feel like their efforts are futile, or perhaps they fear rejection happening again. Perhaps one partner bristles at the other partner’s touch for fear that it will have to lead to sex they don’t feel like having. Conflating touch with sex is normal in relationships, and there are ways around this.
Are you avoiding initiation or intimacy entirely with your partner because you don’t want to have the same sex you’ve been having? If you are the one offering a recurrent and persistent “no,” to all bids for connection, I also encourage you to examine the reasons why and communicate these to your partner. Are you afraid or hesitant to talk about your sexual challenges? Your desires? Your fantasies, wants, or needs? Is it that you don’t know how to start the conversation?
You know I’m here for you. 👌 I wouldn’t set you up with this whole list of problems without offering some solutions, and of course, we can always delve into this deeper during a private consultation. Until then, here are 4 ways to create more safety and connection in managing “no” and ways to cultivate more time and space for desirable sex and intimacy in your relationships, so you want to say “yes!” to connection!
Schedule a time to talk about and revisit your boundaries❤️
Initiate a time to talk. It could be as simple as asking, “Hey (favorite term of endearment), there’s some things coming up for me I’d love to talk to you about. When would be a good time to talk. Is now a good time?” If not- schedule it-put it on the calendar if you need to. Discuss your boundaries around time, money, values, space, emotions, and your body. Get honest about how sex and intimacy feel for you when your partner initiates “X” way. What do you need instead? What do you need to feel safer in saying “no?” What makes you want to say, “fuck yes?” What do they do that you already love? Tell them about it. Talk about it. If you’re structured, feel free to set a timer for 5-7 minutes for each person to talk uninterrupted. Set your agreements. What are your new agreements around your boundaries? Initiation? Sexy time?
Talk about how you both can more effectively “manage” no ❤️
Talk about why it’s difficult for you to either say or receive “no.” What fears or hesitations do you have? Why do you think it’s difficult for you to say or hear no? How does it make you feel? What do you know to be true? How can you both create safety for each other? What personal responsibility do you have to manage your own reactions to saying or receiving “no” outside of your relationship? It’s ok to communicate that you’re hurt. “Ouch, that hurt, and I want to thank you for respecting yourself and your boundaries.” However, having some “go to” strategies, regulation techniques, activities, or hobbies that can help you move through the discomfort of what might feel like rejection or a personal affront on your worth or value, is actually a gift from your partner because they are showing you they feel safe enough to say no- meaning their yes is more about connection than fear, or protection.
Talk about the sex you want to have! ❤️
If you don’t want to have sex because you don’t like the sex you’re having, good job- you’re smart. We don’t need to have sex ever if we don’t want it! However, you are absolutely deserving of magnificent sex, but I can’t tell you what that is for you. You need to think about that and discover it for yourself. Try a Y/N/M list with your partner or co-creating contexts that will make you look forward to that time together. You know I’m a fan of putting pleasure, play, or the activity itself on the calendar!
Alternate Initiation AND offer alternative bids for connection! ❤️
I love to encourage my couples to alternate initiation. Explore your natural tendencies for initiation, and you can also have a conversation about this. How do you like your partner to initiate? Do you love flirty text messages? Compliments? Getting flowers? Getting a massage? How do you love offering acts of initiation? Do you love giving these things? I encourage couples to honor acts of initiation. You can say “no” to one thing AND also offer an alternative bid for connection:
💫Strategy 1: You can say “no” AND honor a bid for connection by offering an alternative!
Example: “I’m not really in the mood for X right now, do you want to play one of our favorite games, cuddle, or take a walk together?”
💫Strategy 2: Alternate initiation
If you are the one saying “no,” try initiating within 48 hours in some way to honor the bid for connection. Maybe you initiate a date night, or plan a shared activity, or get creative with some other form of spicy time within 48 hours.
Reminder: No is also a complete sentence. However, there are alternatives to saying NO and honoring and offering reciprocal and mutual bids for connection to nurture more balanced distribution of initiation efforts, though not necessary!
Conclusion: Show Appreciation, Admiration, and Gratitude ❤️
The bottom line: You’re a TEAM! Your partner, spouse, or playmate is playing on your side. Sometimes, we have to remind ourselves of that. Settle into gentle compassion, understanding, and empathy and recall all of the reasons you admire or appreciate your special someone(s). Communicate your appreciation, verbally, non-verbally, creatively, erotically. Check out the worksheet below from my Conscious Couples Workbook, “Showing Appreciation.” Comment WORKBOOK to get your donation-based copy today (over 25 pages of great couple’s activities!)
💫Do you want to learn more about my “Pleasure Mechanics” Workshop October 13? Here’s a general overview of some of the topics we’ll be discussing! 💫
HAVE YOU JOINED THE PLEASURE SEEKER’S PLAYGROUND MEET UP GROUP?
I would LOVE to invite you to join my NEW Meet Up Group- The Pleasure Seeker’s Playground! ❤️
You can click the link below to join this amazing community and register for all events, some of which will be virtual, others will be in person!
ALSO, there will be couples’ events, singles events, and more! Relationship structures and styles of all kinds are welcome. This is not a couple-centric group, though there will be couples+ centered activities! This is also a space to embrace your authentic self, regardless of your relationship status, race, gender, or sexuality! Everyone is welcome here! Everyone belongs! ❤️
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Great read and equally great advice. As a man. I can attest that hearing no to an offer of intimacy can bring feelings of being unwanted. However. I also know that my partner(s) sex drive isn’t on my level. So I always communicate and hand over the reins of autonomy to them to initiate our times for intimacy.