3 Common Yet Solvable Problems in Relationships
What are 3 of the most common yet solvable relationship problems? Read more to find out!
Cultivating healthy relationships takes effort and intentionality. We don’t always get it right, and that’s ok! It takes practice. Sometimes, we make choices that nurture our relationships, and at other times our tendencies, actions, patterns, or behaviors can lead to more disconnect, resentment, or an overall lack of relational and or sexual satisfaction. It might be easier to avoid, ignore, or dismiss what’s going on at times, but is that what’s really best for you and your relationship(s)?
Relational obstacles can feel insurmountable at times. I’m here to offer support, and to remind you that ironically, the solutions to most relational problems are quite simple-
However, that doesn’t make them easy!
BUT, with practice, thoughtfulness, and intentionality, you can jumpstart your journey towards practical solutions to the following 3 typical, yet solvable relationship problems, and as always, you know I’m here to chat 1-1 if you are seeking more individualized support! ❤️
#1 The Third (or 4th or 5th+) Lover- Technology
Talk about distractions! Cultivating emotional intimacy and presence in the age of our over stimulated society requires intention, patience, and practice. In a research study on couples in Los Angeles, it was cited that the average amount of time couples spent talking face to face was 35 minutes…per week (gottman.com). You can probably imagine what this time was spent talking about- errands, groceries, to do lists——Whether this leads to disconnection, loneliness, or resentment, it’s an issue to take seriously. What to do about it?
💫Solution: Create a tech agreement that feels fair to both of you 💫
Example: Schedule intentional time where both of you close computers, turn phones off, and set boundaries around topics for the conversation. Perhaps you agree that you aren’t going to discuss work or chores and instead play a game together, or complete a fun couples quiz, or find some engaging conversation cards. Maybe you cuddle or give each other foot rubs or massages or enjoy a delicious meal together. Think about what would work for you and talk it over with your mate!
#2 Stress
While stress does act as an accelerator for some people in terms of their desire for sex or intimacy, for others, stress hits their brakes. And for many people, stress can lead to feelings of emotional dysregulation, reactivity, hypersensitivity, defensiveness, overwhelm, and more, which can lead to further breakdowns in the relational unit and erotic atmosphere. The solution?
💫Solution: Discuss an end of the day ritual 💫
How do you de-stress after work? What do you need? How do you communicate this to your partner? How do you respect your partner’s needs? Discuss or create an end of the day routine, or a “ritual for connection.” This could be a long hug, a 6 second kiss (the time it takes for the body to release oxytocin, the “bonding” hormone). Maybe you schedule an uninterrupted whining session where each person gets to vent about their day for X number of minutes- an opportunity as well to practice uninterrupted listening.
Think about how you can end on a positive note. Perhaps you both ask each other what you’re grateful for, or what you appreciate about each other, even though there might have been challenges throughout your day. It might be watching funny cat or pet videos- whatever works for you! Again, you get to customize your relationship rituals as much as your relationship itself! 👌
#3 Money
One of the most common conflicts in relationships and/or marriages is money- how to spend it, how to save it. Balancing the emotional realities of money can be work for any couple, given our feelings of money can be deeply personal. Plus, there are also social, cultural, and gendered beliefs around money often tied up in social scripts and heteronormative standards rooted in unhealthy models of gender, which can be very limiting to one’s own identity and self-esteem, and which can lead to other breakdowns in the relationship; however, unpacking some of these constructs can be deeply empowering.
💫Solution: Get Radically Honest, Communicate, Collaborate and Co-Create! 💫
Go beneath the surface- is it really about money or is there an underlying relational issue or breakdown that needs to be addressed? That can be a great, though difficult place, to start. It takes courage to get radically honest and express your feelings. That is true vulnerability, AND it’s also a path towards empowerment, healing, and deeper intimacy. I encourage you to prioritize these constructive conversations (and if you can’t do it alone, I’m here to help) consider your shared goal, and develop an action plan so you’re actively collaborating towards your shared vision. Celebrate your successes and wonder at your combined power when you are able to collaborate and co-create with your partner or spouse.
Conclusion ❤️
In the end, problems are sign posts communicating to us what needs our gentle compassion and curious, non-judgmental attention and understanding. Sometimes leaning in with a little honesty, vulnerability, courage, and creativity is exactly what it takes to create a shift in your relationship.
As always, I’m here for a 1-1. I’d love to speak with you.
Looking to engage? What’s one typical yet solvable relationship challenge you face in your relationship not listed above? What solutions work for you? Leave a comment below! I’d love to hear from you!
🌶UPCOMING WORKSHOP ALERT!!!🌶
HAVE YOU JOINED THE PLEASURE SEEKER’S PLAYGROUND MEET UP GROUP?
I would LOVE to invite you to join my NEW Meet Up Group- The Pleasure Seeker’s Playground! ❤️
You can click the link below to join this amazing community and register for all events, some of which will be virtual, others will be in person!
ALSO, there will be couples’ events, singles events, and more! Relationship structures and styles of all kinds are welcome. This is not a couple-centric group, though there will be couples+ centered activities! This is also a space to embrace your authentic self, regardless of your relationship status, race, gender, or sexuality! Everyone is welcome here! Everyone belongs! ❤️
Thank you for reading! Do you think a friend, family member, partner, spouse, client, or colleague could benefit from this newsletter? Feel free to share below and encourage them to subscribe, or feel free to refer them to me directly! ❤️
Great article as always. Each tip/ advice is helpful, useful, and worth a try. I’m looking forward to seeing next months X-mas article.
We've had some success with all of these suggestions. A daily ritual of thanking one another or expressing appreciation, setting boundaries around tech use and making conscious conversation a thing are things we do. Tech really does effect how we communicate.