Understanding the Shared Nervous System in Relationships
In this space, it’s not only what happens in you, but also between you
I saw a post recently that said when two adults fight, it’s really just two children trying to find safety. It’s a bit simplified, but honestly, it’s not that far from the truth. Most partners don’t fight because they don’t care. They’re fighting because their nervous systems are trying to protect them.
When you think about your nervous system your probably think about you: your feelings, your thoughts, your triggers. However, every relationship has a nervous system of its own, with its own unique balance, or homeostasis. In this space it’s not only what happens in you, but also between you.
What is a shared state? A shared state is the emotional tone of the space between two or more nervous systems. It’s the atmosphere you’re both breathing, whether your nervous systems feel safe or threatened, whether your communication lands or escalates, whether you feel like a team, or like enemies in the room.
Take a minute to think about the state of your shared relationship nervous system, if you’re in a relationship. You can also apply this to your friendships or other intimate relationships where you are closely bonded or connected. Think about the space where energy is shared, where tensions build, where safety is felt. What patterns tend to arise?
Oftentimes, partners will get stuck in repeating cycles, making it feel like they’re having the same fight over and over again. Perhaps the relationship nervous system is stuck in chaos, where people are reactive or explosive, or perhaps a state of collapse, where one or both partners feel numb, avoidant, or shut down.
Most couples and partners move through all states, which isn’t a problem. What becomes distressing to folks is when they get stuck in chaos or collapse and can’t find a way to return to safety and connection.
The goal is not perfection or staying in a regulated, connected state at all times. That is not realistic. What is possible is building awareness and attunement to the state you are in, learning how to name it, and learning how to tend to the shared space between you.
Partners can develop tools like naming their states, practicing co-regulation instead of control, and understanding different patterns of nervous system activation. Some people for example, tend toward a more top-down approach, using logic, explanation, or problem solving to create a sense of safety. Others move more bottom up, shutting down, withdrawing, or freezing when overwhelmed.
What happens when these different states mismatch? How do you return to safety? And how do you take a more preventative than reactive approach to conflict?
Rupture, regulation, and repair can be difficult to manage in a relationship when nervous systems continually feel unsafe or when people feel like they have to be on high defense. And we know, healing isn’t generally linear.
At the root of many communication breakdowns I see with partners I work with are a few core experiences:
“I don’t feel heard.”
“I don’t feel seen.”
“I don’t feel safe.”
If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. It doesn’t mean your relationship is destined to fail. There can still be a path back to safety, understanding, and connection. With more awareness of how you and your partner(s) move through different states, a shared language to name what’s happening, and practices like co-regulation, pause agreements, or safety agreements, it’s possible to begin shifting patterns that have felt painful or hard to break.
If you’re a couple or partner(s) interested in learning more about:
Your shared Relationship Nervous System
Building Directional Awareness Together
Healing Betrayal, Hurt, and Broken Trust
Tools, Scripts, Agreements for Pausing, Regulation, Repair
Rituals to Create More Emotional Safety and Everyday Connection
I invite you to schedule a complimentary consultation to see if relationship and intimacy coaching might benefit you.
Repair is possible after rupture, even after prolonged rupture. But that does not mean it is easy. It requires willingness from everyone involved. More than that, it asks for a genuine belief in change. A belief in the process, in yourself, and in your partner or partners.
And for some, there is no longer space for another chance. No more capacity for the cycles of disappointment, frustration, or resentment. In those cases, repair may not be the right path, or it may no longer be possible.
But for those who desire repair, who long for connection and feel caught in the in between, there is still room to begin again. Slowly, imperfectly, and with intention.
📚 Book Club Announcement: Let’s Get into Some Nasty Work 📚
I’m diving into Nasty Work by Ericka Hart — and this is your invitation to join me.
This is a space for real conversation, reflection, and unlearning. Expect nuance, honesty, and the kind of dialogue that stretches you (in the best way).
🗓️ First Meeting
We’ll be covering Chapters 1–5 — come ready to unpack, question, and share what landed for you.
🗓️ Second Meeting
We’ll close it out with Chapters 6–10 — bringing it all together and exploring what we’re taking with us moving forward.
This space is for folks who are curious, open, and ready to engage with topics around race, sex, power, and care in a deeper way.
Bring your thoughts. Bring your questions. Bring your whole self.
Pleasure Professionals! Will you join me for the May Meet Up? 🌹
The Pleasure Pros Virtual meet up is a space for pleasure-positive professionals—therapists, coaches, educators, and wellness providers—to connect, collaborate, and be themselves—to check in with what’s working in your practice or business, talk through challenges or pain points, brainstorm ideas or collaborations celebrate wins (big or small) or just listen and be in community.
Whether you come every month or occasionally, this space is here to support you in doing this work in a way that feels sustainable and connected. It can be a space where we support each other and hold one another accountable.
Our first meeting was a success! So, we’re keeping the momentum going!
This month we’re discussing visibility, expression, and marketing strategies.
And of course, anything else that comes up for you along the way.
A reminder this is not a training. This is a casual, come as you are, lightly facilitated space for reflection, sharing, and exchanging ideas in an informal manner.
I would love to see you there! Feel free to reach out with any questions you may have!
This offering is now donation based to support greater accessibility. Pay what you can, or nothing at all. REGISTER THROUGH ZOOM!
Thursday, May 14
6-7 pm EST
REAL TALK WITH THE SEXPERTS TURNS 1! 🎂
We want to celebrate with a SPECIAL GIVEAWAY! 🎁👀
We’re turning ONE and celebrating with you 💫
Real Talk with the Sexperts is officially one year in, and we want to honor this community that’s grown with us.
HOW TO ENTER:
📲 Share your experience
Post, comment, or message us what you’ve learned, loved, or how it felt to be part of Real Talk
(written, audio, or video all welcome)
🗓️ Register for the next panel
Tuesday, May 19 | 6–7 PM EST
👀 Follow us @realtalksexperts
You're Invited to Real Talk! Staying, Repairing, or Letting Go💌
Relationships evolve. Sometimes that means repair. Sometimes it means redefining. And sometimes, it means letting go.
Join us for an honest, thoughtful conversation about navigating these turning points—from communication and repair to restructuring relationships and moving through endings with care.
If you’ve ever wondered what to hold onto, what to change, or when to walk away, this space is for you.
We can’t wait to see you there!
🗓️ Register for the next panel
Tuesday, May 19 | 6–7 PM EST
WINNERS OF THE GIVEAWAY WILL BE ANNOUNCED AT THE END OF THE PANEL! 🎁🎈📢